It’s always an unfortunate thing when you have to say goodbye to a dear friend. Especially someone that knows you so intimately. The best thing you can do is wish them well, I guess. And hope that both of you come out better than when you started.
Peace and Love,
JL
He turns 21! As anti-climatic as it seems (because he’s been ‘legal to drink’ for 3 years), it is a celebration nonetheless. He’s one of the best confidantes any could ever ask for… unadulteratedly caring, hopeful, sinful, and loyal. He’s a brother from another mother and as we all know, blood isn’t always thicker than water. On this day, Happy birthday Andrew. Love ya brother!
And this is how it ends… with me clutching a bottle, cigarettes one after another… music blaring to ease a growing tumor in my chest. I’m replaying every brief moment through my mind… her sweet laugh, soft hands, gorgeous face, big smile, and an even larger heart. We were destined to fail before we started… but I was hopeful. The concept never stopped me from trying because there was something different about her. She was a quasi-Goddess that stood against evil… destroying all negativity with love. She had nerves of steel. Unfortunately… her cognitive sense of guilt and loyalty defeated it all. I blame my optimistic soul… hoping that love conquers all. I fear that this will make me jaded and foolish… because I don’t think that I can believe in it any longer…
She showed her worth when she never waivered through storms that I stood. She accepted me for whatever fucked up person that I was, and held me closer to her heart as if I was worth it all. Now I really don’t know.
To be clear… I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I’m not denying my worth, nor my resolve. I’m just stuck here… tempted to consider her a dream that never existed. We never happened. But the truth is… I’m so incredibly fortunate to have her love me… that I don’t want to let go of the thought. We agreed that… maybe… it would’ve been better if we never tried. But the truth is… if I can do it all over again… I would’ve kissed her harder… held her longer… and silenced all spirits that forbid it because… she truly is a Goddess. Athena and Aphrodite rolled up in a package of awesomeness that is my Sexy Nerd. And she always will be.
Peace, Love, and sleep well.
John
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKobHUsShqc
“I’m standing at your door, it’s been a million miles. I’ll be the first to say “I can’t take anymore”. And that I wanna be where you are. I feel the same as I did from the start. Whoa, I wanna be where you are and I’m willing to get there. There won’t be any hearts breaking again. This is the part where I stay where I stand. Oh, I wanna be where you are, tell me you’re with me so far.”
It’s true. Love is hard. We face challenges of unrequited love, infidelity, distrust, pride, incompatibility, distance… and the all-mighty timing. But if we can surpass it all… if she’s worth it… and if we’re lucky… then we’ll give it all up for her (and if she’s truly right… you won’t have to). This is my declaration, kiddos… no more thinking it through. The older we get, the more we rely on our analytical, logical, and left-brain cognitive processes… the less living we do… and the more running/shunning/and hiding is accomplished. I’m finally going to start running with my heart in MY hands… and hope that it’ll give me the strength to leap. Because, in the end… if we fall… either she will be there to hold you close… or not. But at least you know that you never pandered to the masses… and you never gave into the fear.
This unrelenting brute of a year has been destroying me at every turn. The only thing that I can do is keep my head up above water, smile, and pray for land. It started off with a terrible person breaking my heart… to many failed conquests.. and countless shortcomings. But there are no substitutes for the real thing. This is real. This is life.. and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
In the end… when she finally says yes.. it’ll all be worth it.
“The future is scary, but you can’t just run back to the past because it’s familiar. Yes, it’s tempting… but it’s a mistake” -HIMYM (season finale).
Thanks… I needed that.
-JL
“and now you say you love me… well just to prove that you do… why don’t you cry me a river…”
God giveth.. and He taketh away.
It usually takes a big fall to understand the capacity of pain… and more excitingly, the aspiration to rise to the top again. Life’s good.
Isn’t it odd how things work out? At the end of it all – we hold onto the regret and refuse to recognize reality and the logistic of the situation? Although, we, as humans are to function on emotions and logic – however, when push comes to shove emotions dominates our hearts and minds … We waver back and forth from our wants and our needs… and somehow forget the technique to tell the difference…
Great concept, Linda.
Recently binging on Star Trek (The Movie) … the audience is thrown into sympathetic perspectives of James T. Kirk’s journey to becoming captain of Starfleet Enterprise and Spock’s odyssey to 1st officer.
Focusing on Spock… profiled as half-human and half-Vulcan… he is initially portrayed as being “disadvantaged” because of his human side. The reason for this disadvantageous genetic disposition? Humans are considered weak in comparison to Vulcans because we are dominated and controlled by our emotions. Vulcans are intelligent, physically unparalleled, and most importantly… logical.
The truth is… Spock isn’t the least bit disadvantaged. In fact, he is more powerful and capable than any Vulcan because he is the hybrid of both sides. He lives by reason, logic, and mathematical probabilities… at the same time, due to his interracial background… he is also emotional. He lives with both head AND heart.
How does this apply to us “weak” humans?
We are Spock… in reverse. We lead with our hearts… and rely on logic to make sense of our decisions… and in the end… when lost in doubt.. we hold our hearts in hands above our heads. Now.. I don’t think it’s difficult to tell the difference between emotion and logic… because let’s be honest.. nine times out of ten… we’re going with our hearts.. and that’s our greatest strength.
Also… my dorky side will never forgive me without the iconic sign-off:
“Live long and prosper.”
Peace, Love, and thanks for the entry Linda.
JL
